NUMB

I've become so numb
I made out with you
To try to feel something
Anything
It was meaningless
My heart raced
But my mind was blank
My face a stone
No screams of ecstasy
Left my lips
I wanted so desperately
To have an emotion
I pushed hard
In aggravation
The motions so easy
Wouldn't stir me
To anything but indifference

I suppose in a way
Not feeling is a feeling
So I guess I will stay
In this state of numb recoil
From the world I used to love
That stays so dark and cold.

QUESTION

Body my crutch
my burden my shell
what will you do
when I have flown

who will move you
how will you live
what will you be

Body you’re dying
Faster than slower
Not much time left
For you my friend
But I will continue
I will move onward
And you, frail container
will be but a memory

Oh to be free
To not be held down
earthbound when I
can fly heavenward
without my cage.

GRIND SOUNDTRACK

The Donnas- Too Bad About Your Girl
POD- Boom
Sean Paul- Get Busy
Sublime- Smoke Two Joints
Unwritten Law- Seein' Red
Wayne Wonder- No Letting Go
Lil Kim- The Jump Off Remix
Trapt- These Walls
The Used- Poetic Tragedy
All Too Much- More Than A Friend
Less Than Jake- Look What Happened
SLR Whitestar- 99 Bottles
Jazze Pha- Ay Dawg
Shinedown- Fly From the Inside
Hot Action Cop- Goin Down On It
The Peak Show- Stupid Little Fellow
Hot Action Cop- Fever for the Flava

FACING DEMONS

On the path of recovery.
On my way to discovery.
Chopping through the forests
Of fake smiles and secrets.
Finding my own way
That's seperate from your way.
Not running this time.
Finding what's mine
In this ocean of undecidedness-
This sea of stupidity.
Facing my demons
Once and for all.
I may come out victorious,
But most assuredly I'll fall.

THREE

You're eyes glare as they stare at me-
Not a word.
Your mouth says nothing.
Your eyes tell all.
You blatantly ignore me
Like I don't exist.
I am nothing
to you.
You sit and watch tv,
the glare of the screen
reflects in those cold eyes
and you see nothing else.
You hate me.
I get it.
Wish you had the courage
to just tell me
instead of masking as my friend.

TWO

you held me when I was in pain
you were there when the world fell
from its empty utopia
to its pain filled reality
you watched me cry in silence
knowing i hurt and
knowing how well I've pretended
you've seen every side of me
I shared my passion for antiques
with you and no one else
you've seen the giddy happy look
I get when I see something
old and beautiful.

No one sees that.

ONE

I can't get the feeling
of your fingers in my hair
to go away.
The kindness you show me
has never been felt
by this heart.
If you knew of who I was,
who I've been,
you wouldn't be here.
You care about my future.
You take care of me
when I feel self-destructive.
You're new to my life
but I can't imagine it
without you.

Off and Away

I'm New York bound. I've been wanting to get away from this place and all the people I know and love. It's just becoming too much for me and I have to get out. I've got my tickets, packed my bags, don't have a plan or a care in the world. By this time tomorrow I'll be on the subway, headed somewhere, don't know where yet, but it will be amazing.

I have such a restless spirit. Just like my mom. I've been in this town for almost 3 months and I haven't moved, I haven't changed anything, I haven't left. I went driving the other day and ended up on the freeway heading north. I can't stand being still for so long.

I've realized something about myself. I am a loner by choice. I could have tons of friends but as soon as anyone starts getting close enough that they could hurt me, I'm gone. I tend to stick to myself but I love the company of others. Kind of a screwed up situation I know but there 'tis. I push those who are close to me away and cling to those I don't know for that very same reason. They don't know me. I can be whoever I want to be. I can say whatever I feel like saying. I can do whatever I want. And if it comes out unfavorable on my part (as it so often does) I run. I'm not prooud of this, in fact I'm quite ashamed of it, but that's who I am. I run. My mother does the same thing. She teaches by example. I don't want my children to learn this from me though so I try to change it but... it's so hard facing the monsters in your life. I'd rather have an encounter with Dracula or Magneto than face my parents, my family, my friends. At least with the monsters it's a quick ending. With the people I know, it will haunt me the rest of my life.

Really, compared to the world, my problems are such trifles to deal with. But they are my trifles. And most of my problems wouldn't be problems if those around me would accept me for who I am. I accepted them and I deal with their issues, that's what friends do. But no, as soon as I do something in the least bit offensive, BAM they're pissed and we're no longer friends. For a day or so. Then they realize that I'm going to keep living my life the way I do and well, there's not a whole lot they can do about it. Why should I conform to fit everyone else's agendas when nobody conforms to mine? Seems highly unfair.

Wow quite a bit of a tangent. My whole point here I can sum up nicely for you....

I want out.

kill me now
before I hurt
everyone else
around me.

***

why can't i be happy?
because you're not?
that doesn't justify
anger.
i'm sorry.
i'm me.
you know this.
deal.

Trying

How can I have fun
When whenever I do
Youre on my back
Flailing, screaming
Getting angry at my happiness

Find your own joy
Stop living off of my pain
I dont know what to do
For you to trust me again

I just want friends
I just want fun
But when I try to get these things
You seem to be the one
Who's pushing me down
Who's telling me no
Who's saying I'm wrong
Who just won't let go
Just let me live
And you live too
And we can compare stories
Of our adventures apart
Then make memories
Together

I can't stand you being mad at me
But I don't know how to fix this
I dont know how to fix this
I dont know how to fix this
Things have gotten out of hand
And I don't know how to fix this

Help me change
Help me grow
I dont want to do this
On my own
I want to be friends
But I want to live too
I dont want to live in the shadows
Anymore than you do

So let's just live and get along
Let's play and be happy
There's no room for sadness
When your friends are dead
Live life for them
To make up for their lost time

Instead of crying and being sad
Lift up your face
And look at the sky
Breathe in deep
And realize why
Life is worth living
Live bold and strong
One day at a time
There's nothing better than looking back
And saying that you tried.
You were trying all along.

SOLACE

the eyelids- they twitch
the eyes- they're red
the legs- they jerk
the hands- they shake
the skin- it chills
the head- it sweats
the throat- it burns
the brain- it screams
the heart- it pounds
the mouth- it frowns
the words- they lie

pushing for another day
try to find another way
solace found in these white pills
numbs my brain- keeps me still

SUFFOCATING

Gotta run away, get away.
Don't wanna face it.
Don't wanna race it.
Just wanna live and breathe
And not worry 'bout a thing.

Everyone around me-
Trying to surround me-
Suffocate my energy-
Stifle spontaneity.
Crying inside.
Wanna run and hide.
But my haunting self
Will follow wherever I go.
I can't run away from me.
But I can warn you
Don't get close-
You'll get hurt.
I have no heart for anyone.
I keep it to myself.
Not out of fear of rejection-
But fear of acception.
Don't want to be loved.
Not quite yet.
The scars haven't healed.
Probably never will.
Life will move on
And I will be ok.
But you won't be here very long.
So I'm happy today.

pain

dont love me
i cant love you back
this will only end in misery
i may make you feel
safer than youve ever felt
but when were through
your shattered heart
will cry into the abyss
for the unsafeness you once had
before you met me
i may change your life
for better or for worse
but it will change
if you let it
thats why my heart is closed
until further notice
i cant feel anything but pain
the future is dead
the past lives in my dreams
and the present is fading
one day at a time

MY HEART

Boy after boy
Time after time
The smile behind the lies
I don't want to hurt them
They just make it so easy
I love that they love me
But how do you love someone
When you don't love yourself?
They try to help ease the pain
To think that they might change a thing
They come, they go
But they'll never know
My heart is mine
Always mine
Never will a man hold it
It's far to fragile, he'll break it

I tend to find the guy
Whose scars are worse than mine
And HE needs ME to help HIM heal
I give and give
But it's not enough
They want my heart
The only thing that's mine

I finally found someone
Who really respects me
And really wants to be with me
But I can't.
I need time on my own.
I don't want to hurt him.
I refuse to hurt him.

Construction Workers

Today when Anne and I were walking to English I noticed this rather attractive construction worker carrying some planks of wood. He was tall, dark, obviously of Mexican heritage, maybe some Indian, with a brilliantly white smile. My eyes followed him as he walked behind the fence designating that area as "Under Construction." I was marvelling at how gracefully he walked and the way he carried the load of wood with such ease. I looked away from him for one second and got to witness the funniest thing I'd seen all week. Another construction worker, older than the gorgeous man, had grey hair poking out from under his hard hat, and was in the basket of a genie getting ready to be lifted up to work on the bell tower. He was laughing and jumping up and down on the basket when the driver pulled some gears that made the basket wobble dangerously. The old man lost his balance and almost biffed it hard but he got up and tried to play it cool while his coworkers sat and laughed at him. Silly construction workers. I tend to be interested in these people because my dad is a contractor and I've been around construction my whole life. I feel at home around it.

Swollen Eyes

After spending almost all night crying, my eyes are sore. They feel swollen in my sockets. They're bloodshot and puffy. The salt from my tears left a film on my contacts so everything is hazy today. Like my life, it's all a haze. I walked around all morning trying to keep my eyes open. They're so tired. They worked so hard last night and they need a rest that they won't get. My eyelids burn when I close them. A fire in my head. I want to sleep the next week away- a few hours would suffice. Too bad, the caffeine keeps coming. I can't wake up without you by my side... so I won't sleep until your face disappears from behind my swollen eyes.

Simplicity

My campfire smelling coat warms me as i sit on the bridge, old and worn, and look out at the world around me. Why can;t life always be this simple- the sound of the tree leave rustling in the wind, the gurgling of the brook as it winds through the valley. Nature is elegant in its simplicity. The trees sway gracefully in the smooth zephyr. Time slows in moments like these.

Cell Phone Poetry

peace fills my soul
as i sit in the backseat
life flies by the window
and i just try to breathe
it's time for me to leave
to leave you alone and find
find myself in all these lies
lies that ive taken years to hide...

to be continued...

Life As A Sweater

I woke up today, just like any other day, hanging in Paul’s closet, chillin’ by my buddy T-Shirt. Paul had opened the closet door and was going through the daily “PICK”. He’d been favoring black lately (he’d been in a sour mood), but today he had a smile on his face. He shuffled through his shirts until he came to my friend T-Shirt. Paul pulled T-Shirt out of the closet, took him off the hanger, and put him on. He strode to the window, opened it and stuck his head out. He quickly withdrew back into the room, walked back to the closet, and pulled me, Favorite Sweater, out and put me on. I got to go out today! I was jubilant as I hung carelessly on Paul’s shoulders. I got to spend the day with Paul AND my buddy T-Shirt! Needless to say I was elated!

Our first stop today was for breakfast at a gas station next to the school. Paul was in this habit of buying a breakfast burrito and hot chocolate, no matter the weather, for breakfast every morning. Since it was a habit, it was quick and painless, no dawdling in the aisles looking for something else to spend money on. He entered the gas station, grabbed a burrito and stuck it in the microwave. He wanted it warm today, considering it was cold outside. As the burrito was being nuked, Paul picked up a cup, filled it with steaming hot cocoa, put a lid on and stuck a straw in the little opening. By then the burrito was done and he was headed to the register. $4.56 was exchanged between customer and cashier, Paul always had the exact amount, and the journey to school continued. This little ritual only took up 3 minutes and 45 seconds of his day. We got into his car and headed to school.

Paul had Chemistry today which meant only one thing to me. I got to see Jenny. Now Jenny was a sweater that belonged to Paul’s friend Marcy. She was Marcy’s favorite sweater and it was getting cold so obviously Jenny would accompany her to school. We walked into the classroom and my sweater eyes flew immediately to Jenny. She looked beautiful. Her olive green complexion was highlighted by the brown mink fur bordering her hood. Paul and Marcy had obviously gotten closer since the last time I was out because he hugged her! I got to hug Jenny today and my world will never be the same! After the brief euphoria we sat down and class started. I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson; I was too mesmerized by Jenny and her sweet smelling perfume. I day dreamed through the whole class of Jenny and I, and Paul and Marcy, running through a field of flowers with a great big blue sky above us!

The bell rang and we had to part ways. Immediately I became limp and depressed at the fact and we trudged out of the room. That hug would stay in my memory forever. T-Shirt could tell I was sad and tried to cheer me up by rustling in the wind but it did nothing to ease the pain I felt in leaving her. The day continued on, drudgingly going from class to class. Paul slept through half of them and I reminisced on the wonderful event that had occurred earlier. As the last class of the day ended, I decided I was tired of being out and wanted to go home.

And then the most amazing thing happened! Marcy and Paul met in a glade of trees on campus! It had become a new ritual while I had been in the closet. I loved this new daily occurrence more than I loved laundry detergent! Marcy and Paul sat on the grass while Jenny and I made eyes at each other. I was too shy to say anything, as was she. So we just sat and stared into each other’s souls, drinking the moment in. As time went on, the sun came out from behind the clouds and it got warm. Very warm. Eventually Marcy and Paul shed their protection from the cold and laid us together on a rock. Jenny and I were finally alone. We both sighed contently as she leaned on me and we began to talk and get to know each other. Nothing seemed to exist in the world around us except for us two. Life was happy and joyous and I was content to stay here forever.

As we were talking we realized that it had gotten dark out. Paul and Marcy had left us behind! At first we were scared. What would we do if our owner’s didn’t come back for us? Then we realized we had each other and that was enough. If we were together, everything else would fit and things would work out. So here I lie, next to my beloved Jenny, until someday someone makes us leave this place. But for now I will revel in the happiness she has given me and will never ask for a single thing for myself as long as I live.

Three Stages

As I sit under this bridge
of metal and of wood
I think of all the things it's seen
And all the things it would

I see the sky through a gap
So bright against the worn brown
Feet walk across, thud and snap
The noises echo in a round

Water passes under this wondrous work of iron
The water comes and then is gone

A man stands above me
I look at him through a gap in the planks
He stands there searching for answers
Then types something on his cell phone

The heartbeat of Nature skips
As this modern day novelty destroys.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The worn wood lays still as people walk across it. It's friends nearby moan and groan as the weight of the humans is put on their backs. The humans pass and the planks relax, their knotted smashed selves nailed to the iron prison of a bridge. At the end of the day, each plank dreams of his home. Many were from forests thousands of miles from their present location. Many are from the same mountains as this bridge was made in. There are birch, oak, aspen and ash, all crammed integrated to make these humans lives easier. They each loved the sound of the water's gurgling laughter as it freely floated beneath them. Each plank remembers his won journey. Being sawed in half and chopped up into pieces to make the plank of wood they became. The rest of their tree entity went on somewhere else, never to have a reunion with its counterparts again.
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Tiny pebble in my shoe-
What am I to do with you?
Take you back to your home?
Or leave you here, all alone?
Where are you from? What's your name?
Are you tired of playing this game?
My little friend, how I envy you
To go where you want, to do what you do.
To see the world one crick at a time.
To never worry about a time line.
To show your beauty so people can see.
To live your life as if you were me.

At A Glance

In the 19 years of my life I've noticed something that pretty much every human being does. Ok, let's put you, reader, in a hypothetical situation.

You are walking down a hallway of hundreds of kids around your age. More than likely you are either averting your eyes so no one looks into them, walking boldly staring every person in the face, or darting glances at the girl or guy you think is hott.

People have a hard time looking into strangers eyes.

The hardest situation is when you pass someone on the street or in a hallway and you just glance at them and smile or say hello and look away, all embarassed that maybe they think you're a weird person.

But then if you're the kind of person who says hello to everyone you meet, passing someone who refuses to meet your gaze just aggravates you beyond expression!

Why can't we all be secure enough in ourselves to think that we may have something to offer another human being? That maybe a smile or "how are you?" just might be what you needed that day and yet no one would give you the pleasure of thinking someone cares.

So I challenge you, reader of the day, to smile and say hello to the people you pass in the hallway, at work, or just in life. You never know who will turn out to be a friend!

Expectations of Tomorrow

I got alot of "Get Well Soon" cards when I was in the hospital last year. It was really comforting to know how many people were thinking and praying for me. It was really surprising when I heard from some non-religious friends that they were even praying for me. I thought, "Wow, miracles really do happen!" During my second week in the hospital I became coherent enough to read the pile of cards next to my bed. Every word I read brought tears to my eyes. They were from loved ones, friends, old friends I hadn't seen in years, and even people I'd never met before and they were all concerned for me. I got one card that I still have up on my wall. It helped me through everything this last year. It gave me hope. It had a simple quote that many would probably look over and not really think about but to me... they were the most inspiring words I'd ever heard. It reads, " There is nothing as reassuring as the expectation of something better tomorrow." To me, a girl in a back brace unable to stand up or even sit up in bed, these words meant so much more than the letters that made them. It meant tomorrow would be better. Step by step I would get better! Things would be good again! I would learn to walk, I would learn to run, to ride a bike, to play baseball, to snowboard, to do anything I wanted! At the time I wasn't even able to walk to the bathroom which was 5 feet away from my bed without two people and my heart rate skyrocketing to 160 bpm. So the idea of running in the sunshine and feeling the grass in between my toes was ecstasy! The person who sent me this card will never know the feeling they gave me. The person who MADE that card will never know how much hope they gave me with their words!

Moving On

Here I go, off and away! I no longer rely on your arm to make me strong. I strengthen myself so I can stand on my own. I don't need you like I used to. I am strong. I am brave. I can do this. I'd forgotten I could feel this way. Liberation. I cast you out of my mind. You'll always be there but no longer will I feel regret and misery when I think of you. I will think of the ways you made me better, stronger, wiser. Thank you. I looked through my pictures from Europe and realized... I am interesting. I am an interesting person. I always looked at other people and thought that THEY were interesting and I was boring. Not anymore. I am different. We are all different. That's what makes life so fun, if you let it.

Being in another country made me realize that the hard little things that happen in my life are nothing compared to the things other people in the world are going through. Makes me grateful for the life I have. No more unhappiness. No more depression. No more unfairness and whining. All I see now are clear skies and green grass. I see the possibilities in my life and I'm striving to attain all the things that I want while I'm here. Thank you God for this moment of clarity.

Blur

Driving down this old highwway
My head against the window
Trying not to admit defeat
But all I can do is open up my eyes
And cry.

Like the rain the tears roll down the window
I look at the blur we pass
Looks like my life
Blurs of colors,
Sometimes bright, sometimes dull
Blending together
Experience after tragedy
The life line rolls on
Life just gets harder
And its all a blur.

So many memories
Haunt me, follow me
Trying to learn
Trying to grow
But it all pulls me back
3 steps forward 4 steps back
Going nowhere
Miss the ones I've left behind
Can't ever stay
Running away from everything
So scared to pull through
Want to stay, have to leave
Can't stand the way I am
The thing I've become
I dont know how to live anymore
People say Im strong
They say Im brave
They see my smiling face
The mask I wear in this damn town
The line between right and wrong
Has blurred in my eyes
And things are numb
Scared to love again
Scared to get out of bed
And face the world I knew.

Blurs of Happiness
Combine with blurs of pain
Blurs of loneliness
Blurs of rain
Blurs of bliss with
Blurs of you and me
Blurs of the way things used to be.

But its my life
I made it this way
Try to pick out the colors
In the Blur of Reality
And make them the best
Life I can hope to lead.

Things 'Round Here

I thought moving home was going to be AWFUL but it's turned out really good. I've missed talking to people that I know enough about to have a decent conversation with. And I miss all those long time friends you make when living in a small town. And I mean small town. The biggest franchise here is probably Lins, or McDonalds. There are no coffee shops, which is really depressing, no shopping malls, nothing. I love this town though. I just can't be here for a very long time or it drives me insane. I've made a new friend, Kelsie Davis. She cuts hair. She is so crazy cool I love her so much! And my friend Jenna at the Credit Union. Haha it's good times there too!

I was going through all my junk yesterday and I found two checks from my HS Graduation! That was a year ago... I'm very sad. I wish I had that money. I felt stupid nonetheless when in a desperate attempt to increase my account, I went to the credit union to see if I could still cash them. Nice try. Next Please. Oh well.

Ever since I moved back to the Valley I've been wanting something new, just anything different. I think I may be going overboard now though... I'm getting the Verizon ENV! YEAH! I love that phone! Its so tyte! And I'm cutting my hair short to a pixie and donating it to Locks for Love. And Ill probably finally just get my ears pierced. I never really wanted to but it could be fun who knows? And I'm repainting my room! And I'm going to Europe in a couple weeks! YEAH! My life is going great right now! I guess all those days of hardship and trial have paid off and now my life is good!

I'm going to St. George with my dad today. I'm a lil worried cuz me in the car alone with him for an hour is a perfect oppurtunity for him to ask about my life and I dont feel like talking about it... Whatever. My life is good NOW but he's going to dig up old stuff and it's gonna be really annoying. AW WELL! Guess I'll have to deal with it!

MOVING

Im moving back home and Im going to miss Bryan SOOOO much! I can hardly take it and I haven't even left yet!! :( Im so sad!

Confused....

I'm feeling so many emotions right now... I feel this sort of happy, magical warm fuzziness at home, there's something here that stirs my spirit to be creative and use my imagination. Then again I feel trapped. I dont want to tell my parents the truth. I did this morning but now I dont want to. I dont want them to be disappointed in me. I dont want another lecture. I'm longing for my other home and my boy to curl up with and cry to. I know, I'm taking the easy way out, I'm being a coward, someday I'll have to face up to all these things I'm running away from but that days not today. I just want to have fun here, I dont want to have serious talks about my life or discussions involving anything I do. I hate talking about myself.

I found out Papa, Jon's grandpa, died last week. He didn't even tell me. When Jon's dad passed away a couple years ago Papa was the one who welcomed me into their family with open arms. When I went to see Jon after I found out (I was at camp and had to cut it short and travel all day back home to see him) there was a sign on their back fence saying to use the front door. I normally just walk in the back kitchen door but I wasn't sure what the sign was for so I went to the front door and rang the doorbell. Papa answered and wrapped me in a bear hug and said "What're you doing? Family never comes through the front door!" From that day on Papa became one of my favorite people in that family. I still can't believe he's gone. He's been sick and he's pretty old so I mean, it's okay, he's in a better place. But still, I wish I could have said goodbye.

Movies...

Ok, here's something that's been bothering me alot lately. I know alot of people will disagree with me on this but hopefully some will agree as well. I went to the movie The Invisible today and it made me think about the current media situation. It used to be that movies were a way to get you out of reality. To make you think, "Aw I wish my life could be like that" even though nobody's life on earth was ever that perfect. It gave you this illusion of bliss that pulled you through all the horrible days. Now movies have become too much like reality. You can't watch a movie without thinking, "I know someone whose life is just like that" and it's not a good thing. It's sad and depressing and makes you realize how awful the world is now days. It's even more awful because it's starting to be that the "horrible" real movies we see now are the children of today's "perfect bliss". I just wish there could be normal, happy movies to get me away from the world. But no, now the world has invaded that part of my life too. I'm surrounded by awful things yet I still see the good. It's amazing, but I think our generation was taught to do so. To see the good amongst all the bad because if you dont see the good, they all just blend together to form one giant mass of unemotional chaos.

The world is changing. We can't forget the past or the future will undoubtedly crash.

Today is the day

So dawns a new day, and the days never change. Every day spent jobless, pennyless, foodless and friendless. All I have is the hope in my heart and the few dollars in my pocket to keep me going. Life's just kinda down right now, things could get a lot better. And I think they will, hopefully in the next few weeks. I live with my best friend, Jodi. We make ends meet, and we have a lot of fun doing it. Our lives may be uneventful and awful to some but we love life and try to make the best of everything that comes our way. Since last fall things have been.... interesting. One catastrophe after another. Breaking my back was the worst of it but I have to say... that's pretty bad. But hopefully this blog will help me through life. Maybe getting emotions out will help cope with the pain or give me hope for the future.