Confused....

I'm feeling so many emotions right now... I feel this sort of happy, magical warm fuzziness at home, there's something here that stirs my spirit to be creative and use my imagination. Then again I feel trapped. I dont want to tell my parents the truth. I did this morning but now I dont want to. I dont want them to be disappointed in me. I dont want another lecture. I'm longing for my other home and my boy to curl up with and cry to. I know, I'm taking the easy way out, I'm being a coward, someday I'll have to face up to all these things I'm running away from but that days not today. I just want to have fun here, I dont want to have serious talks about my life or discussions involving anything I do. I hate talking about myself.

I found out Papa, Jon's grandpa, died last week. He didn't even tell me. When Jon's dad passed away a couple years ago Papa was the one who welcomed me into their family with open arms. When I went to see Jon after I found out (I was at camp and had to cut it short and travel all day back home to see him) there was a sign on their back fence saying to use the front door. I normally just walk in the back kitchen door but I wasn't sure what the sign was for so I went to the front door and rang the doorbell. Papa answered and wrapped me in a bear hug and said "What're you doing? Family never comes through the front door!" From that day on Papa became one of my favorite people in that family. I still can't believe he's gone. He's been sick and he's pretty old so I mean, it's okay, he's in a better place. But still, I wish I could have said goodbye.