Off and Away

I'm New York bound. I've been wanting to get away from this place and all the people I know and love. It's just becoming too much for me and I have to get out. I've got my tickets, packed my bags, don't have a plan or a care in the world. By this time tomorrow I'll be on the subway, headed somewhere, don't know where yet, but it will be amazing.

I have such a restless spirit. Just like my mom. I've been in this town for almost 3 months and I haven't moved, I haven't changed anything, I haven't left. I went driving the other day and ended up on the freeway heading north. I can't stand being still for so long.

I've realized something about myself. I am a loner by choice. I could have tons of friends but as soon as anyone starts getting close enough that they could hurt me, I'm gone. I tend to stick to myself but I love the company of others. Kind of a screwed up situation I know but there 'tis. I push those who are close to me away and cling to those I don't know for that very same reason. They don't know me. I can be whoever I want to be. I can say whatever I feel like saying. I can do whatever I want. And if it comes out unfavorable on my part (as it so often does) I run. I'm not prooud of this, in fact I'm quite ashamed of it, but that's who I am. I run. My mother does the same thing. She teaches by example. I don't want my children to learn this from me though so I try to change it but... it's so hard facing the monsters in your life. I'd rather have an encounter with Dracula or Magneto than face my parents, my family, my friends. At least with the monsters it's a quick ending. With the people I know, it will haunt me the rest of my life.

Really, compared to the world, my problems are such trifles to deal with. But they are my trifles. And most of my problems wouldn't be problems if those around me would accept me for who I am. I accepted them and I deal with their issues, that's what friends do. But no, as soon as I do something in the least bit offensive, BAM they're pissed and we're no longer friends. For a day or so. Then they realize that I'm going to keep living my life the way I do and well, there's not a whole lot they can do about it. Why should I conform to fit everyone else's agendas when nobody conforms to mine? Seems highly unfair.

Wow quite a bit of a tangent. My whole point here I can sum up nicely for you....

I want out.