Pictures

POEM

My dear, my love, my one and only sweetheart
I am so happy that we met
So many days ago
It seems like years to me
Back then we didnt know
How much I would love you
And how happy we would be
Our love for eachother is so strong
I will never want another
But my darling sweet love
The one that I call mine
God sent you from above
In just the nick of time
He heard our prayers of loneliness
And wanting it to end
And let us find each other
To let our life begin
My life before you seems so empty
It was so devoid of life and love
And things that really mattered
You bring out the best in me
And help me to be better
You let me be who I was born to be
And you love me more than any other
There's no words that can leave my lips
That will tell you how I feel
I can only write this poetry
To describe our love so real
To use a cliche- you complete me
You fill my body and soul
With joy, peace and inspiration
Things I rarely find anymore

NUMB

I've become so numb
I made out with you
To try to feel something
Anything
It was meaningless
My heart raced
But my mind was blank
My face a stone
No screams of ecstasy
Left my lips
I wanted so desperately
To have an emotion
I pushed hard
In aggravation
The motions so easy
Wouldn't stir me
To anything but indifference

I suppose in a way
Not feeling is a feeling
So I guess I will stay
In this state of numb recoil
From the world I used to love
That stays so dark and cold.

QUESTION

Body my crutch
my burden my shell
what will you do
when I have flown

who will move you
how will you live
what will you be

Body you’re dying
Faster than slower
Not much time left
For you my friend
But I will continue
I will move onward
And you, frail container
will be but a memory

Oh to be free
To not be held down
earthbound when I
can fly heavenward
without my cage.

GRIND SOUNDTRACK

The Donnas- Too Bad About Your Girl
POD- Boom
Sean Paul- Get Busy
Sublime- Smoke Two Joints
Unwritten Law- Seein' Red
Wayne Wonder- No Letting Go
Lil Kim- The Jump Off Remix
Trapt- These Walls
The Used- Poetic Tragedy
All Too Much- More Than A Friend
Less Than Jake- Look What Happened
SLR Whitestar- 99 Bottles
Jazze Pha- Ay Dawg
Shinedown- Fly From the Inside
Hot Action Cop- Goin Down On It
The Peak Show- Stupid Little Fellow
Hot Action Cop- Fever for the Flava

FACING DEMONS

On the path of recovery.
On my way to discovery.
Chopping through the forests
Of fake smiles and secrets.
Finding my own way
That's seperate from your way.
Not running this time.
Finding what's mine
In this ocean of undecidedness-
This sea of stupidity.
Facing my demons
Once and for all.
I may come out victorious,
But most assuredly I'll fall.

THREE

You're eyes glare as they stare at me-
Not a word.
Your mouth says nothing.
Your eyes tell all.
You blatantly ignore me
Like I don't exist.
I am nothing
to you.
You sit and watch tv,
the glare of the screen
reflects in those cold eyes
and you see nothing else.
You hate me.
I get it.
Wish you had the courage
to just tell me
instead of masking as my friend.

TWO

you held me when I was in pain
you were there when the world fell
from its empty utopia
to its pain filled reality
you watched me cry in silence
knowing i hurt and
knowing how well I've pretended
you've seen every side of me
I shared my passion for antiques
with you and no one else
you've seen the giddy happy look
I get when I see something
old and beautiful.

No one sees that.

ONE

I can't get the feeling
of your fingers in my hair
to go away.
The kindness you show me
has never been felt
by this heart.
If you knew of who I was,
who I've been,
you wouldn't be here.
You care about my future.
You take care of me
when I feel self-destructive.
You're new to my life
but I can't imagine it
without you.

Off and Away

I'm New York bound. I've been wanting to get away from this place and all the people I know and love. It's just becoming too much for me and I have to get out. I've got my tickets, packed my bags, don't have a plan or a care in the world. By this time tomorrow I'll be on the subway, headed somewhere, don't know where yet, but it will be amazing.

I have such a restless spirit. Just like my mom. I've been in this town for almost 3 months and I haven't moved, I haven't changed anything, I haven't left. I went driving the other day and ended up on the freeway heading north. I can't stand being still for so long.

I've realized something about myself. I am a loner by choice. I could have tons of friends but as soon as anyone starts getting close enough that they could hurt me, I'm gone. I tend to stick to myself but I love the company of others. Kind of a screwed up situation I know but there 'tis. I push those who are close to me away and cling to those I don't know for that very same reason. They don't know me. I can be whoever I want to be. I can say whatever I feel like saying. I can do whatever I want. And if it comes out unfavorable on my part (as it so often does) I run. I'm not prooud of this, in fact I'm quite ashamed of it, but that's who I am. I run. My mother does the same thing. She teaches by example. I don't want my children to learn this from me though so I try to change it but... it's so hard facing the monsters in your life. I'd rather have an encounter with Dracula or Magneto than face my parents, my family, my friends. At least with the monsters it's a quick ending. With the people I know, it will haunt me the rest of my life.

Really, compared to the world, my problems are such trifles to deal with. But they are my trifles. And most of my problems wouldn't be problems if those around me would accept me for who I am. I accepted them and I deal with their issues, that's what friends do. But no, as soon as I do something in the least bit offensive, BAM they're pissed and we're no longer friends. For a day or so. Then they realize that I'm going to keep living my life the way I do and well, there's not a whole lot they can do about it. Why should I conform to fit everyone else's agendas when nobody conforms to mine? Seems highly unfair.

Wow quite a bit of a tangent. My whole point here I can sum up nicely for you....

I want out.

kill me now
before I hurt
everyone else
around me.

***

why can't i be happy?
because you're not?
that doesn't justify
anger.
i'm sorry.
i'm me.
you know this.
deal.

Trying

How can I have fun
When whenever I do
Youre on my back
Flailing, screaming
Getting angry at my happiness

Find your own joy
Stop living off of my pain
I dont know what to do
For you to trust me again

I just want friends
I just want fun
But when I try to get these things
You seem to be the one
Who's pushing me down
Who's telling me no
Who's saying I'm wrong
Who just won't let go
Just let me live
And you live too
And we can compare stories
Of our adventures apart
Then make memories
Together

I can't stand you being mad at me
But I don't know how to fix this
I dont know how to fix this
I dont know how to fix this
Things have gotten out of hand
And I don't know how to fix this

Help me change
Help me grow
I dont want to do this
On my own
I want to be friends
But I want to live too
I dont want to live in the shadows
Anymore than you do

So let's just live and get along
Let's play and be happy
There's no room for sadness
When your friends are dead
Live life for them
To make up for their lost time

Instead of crying and being sad
Lift up your face
And look at the sky
Breathe in deep
And realize why
Life is worth living
Live bold and strong
One day at a time
There's nothing better than looking back
And saying that you tried.
You were trying all along.

SOLACE

the eyelids- they twitch
the eyes- they're red
the legs- they jerk
the hands- they shake
the skin- it chills
the head- it sweats
the throat- it burns
the brain- it screams
the heart- it pounds
the mouth- it frowns
the words- they lie

pushing for another day
try to find another way
solace found in these white pills
numbs my brain- keeps me still

SUFFOCATING

Gotta run away, get away.
Don't wanna face it.
Don't wanna race it.
Just wanna live and breathe
And not worry 'bout a thing.

Everyone around me-
Trying to surround me-
Suffocate my energy-
Stifle spontaneity.
Crying inside.
Wanna run and hide.
But my haunting self
Will follow wherever I go.
I can't run away from me.
But I can warn you
Don't get close-
You'll get hurt.
I have no heart for anyone.
I keep it to myself.
Not out of fear of rejection-
But fear of acception.
Don't want to be loved.
Not quite yet.
The scars haven't healed.
Probably never will.
Life will move on
And I will be ok.
But you won't be here very long.
So I'm happy today.

pain

dont love me
i cant love you back
this will only end in misery
i may make you feel
safer than youve ever felt
but when were through
your shattered heart
will cry into the abyss
for the unsafeness you once had
before you met me
i may change your life
for better or for worse
but it will change
if you let it
thats why my heart is closed
until further notice
i cant feel anything but pain
the future is dead
the past lives in my dreams
and the present is fading
one day at a time