Expectations of Tomorrow

I got alot of "Get Well Soon" cards when I was in the hospital last year. It was really comforting to know how many people were thinking and praying for me. It was really surprising when I heard from some non-religious friends that they were even praying for me. I thought, "Wow, miracles really do happen!" During my second week in the hospital I became coherent enough to read the pile of cards next to my bed. Every word I read brought tears to my eyes. They were from loved ones, friends, old friends I hadn't seen in years, and even people I'd never met before and they were all concerned for me. I got one card that I still have up on my wall. It helped me through everything this last year. It gave me hope. It had a simple quote that many would probably look over and not really think about but to me... they were the most inspiring words I'd ever heard. It reads, " There is nothing as reassuring as the expectation of something better tomorrow." To me, a girl in a back brace unable to stand up or even sit up in bed, these words meant so much more than the letters that made them. It meant tomorrow would be better. Step by step I would get better! Things would be good again! I would learn to walk, I would learn to run, to ride a bike, to play baseball, to snowboard, to do anything I wanted! At the time I wasn't even able to walk to the bathroom which was 5 feet away from my bed without two people and my heart rate skyrocketing to 160 bpm. So the idea of running in the sunshine and feeling the grass in between my toes was ecstasy! The person who sent me this card will never know the feeling they gave me. The person who MADE that card will never know how much hope they gave me with their words!

Moving On

Here I go, off and away! I no longer rely on your arm to make me strong. I strengthen myself so I can stand on my own. I don't need you like I used to. I am strong. I am brave. I can do this. I'd forgotten I could feel this way. Liberation. I cast you out of my mind. You'll always be there but no longer will I feel regret and misery when I think of you. I will think of the ways you made me better, stronger, wiser. Thank you. I looked through my pictures from Europe and realized... I am interesting. I am an interesting person. I always looked at other people and thought that THEY were interesting and I was boring. Not anymore. I am different. We are all different. That's what makes life so fun, if you let it.

Being in another country made me realize that the hard little things that happen in my life are nothing compared to the things other people in the world are going through. Makes me grateful for the life I have. No more unhappiness. No more depression. No more unfairness and whining. All I see now are clear skies and green grass. I see the possibilities in my life and I'm striving to attain all the things that I want while I'm here. Thank you God for this moment of clarity.

Blur

Driving down this old highwway
My head against the window
Trying not to admit defeat
But all I can do is open up my eyes
And cry.

Like the rain the tears roll down the window
I look at the blur we pass
Looks like my life
Blurs of colors,
Sometimes bright, sometimes dull
Blending together
Experience after tragedy
The life line rolls on
Life just gets harder
And its all a blur.

So many memories
Haunt me, follow me
Trying to learn
Trying to grow
But it all pulls me back
3 steps forward 4 steps back
Going nowhere
Miss the ones I've left behind
Can't ever stay
Running away from everything
So scared to pull through
Want to stay, have to leave
Can't stand the way I am
The thing I've become
I dont know how to live anymore
People say Im strong
They say Im brave
They see my smiling face
The mask I wear in this damn town
The line between right and wrong
Has blurred in my eyes
And things are numb
Scared to love again
Scared to get out of bed
And face the world I knew.

Blurs of Happiness
Combine with blurs of pain
Blurs of loneliness
Blurs of rain
Blurs of bliss with
Blurs of you and me
Blurs of the way things used to be.

But its my life
I made it this way
Try to pick out the colors
In the Blur of Reality
And make them the best
Life I can hope to lead.