Confused....

I'm feeling so many emotions right now... I feel this sort of happy, magical warm fuzziness at home, there's something here that stirs my spirit to be creative and use my imagination. Then again I feel trapped. I dont want to tell my parents the truth. I did this morning but now I dont want to. I dont want them to be disappointed in me. I dont want another lecture. I'm longing for my other home and my boy to curl up with and cry to. I know, I'm taking the easy way out, I'm being a coward, someday I'll have to face up to all these things I'm running away from but that days not today. I just want to have fun here, I dont want to have serious talks about my life or discussions involving anything I do. I hate talking about myself.

I found out Papa, Jon's grandpa, died last week. He didn't even tell me. When Jon's dad passed away a couple years ago Papa was the one who welcomed me into their family with open arms. When I went to see Jon after I found out (I was at camp and had to cut it short and travel all day back home to see him) there was a sign on their back fence saying to use the front door. I normally just walk in the back kitchen door but I wasn't sure what the sign was for so I went to the front door and rang the doorbell. Papa answered and wrapped me in a bear hug and said "What're you doing? Family never comes through the front door!" From that day on Papa became one of my favorite people in that family. I still can't believe he's gone. He's been sick and he's pretty old so I mean, it's okay, he's in a better place. But still, I wish I could have said goodbye.

Movies...

Ok, here's something that's been bothering me alot lately. I know alot of people will disagree with me on this but hopefully some will agree as well. I went to the movie The Invisible today and it made me think about the current media situation. It used to be that movies were a way to get you out of reality. To make you think, "Aw I wish my life could be like that" even though nobody's life on earth was ever that perfect. It gave you this illusion of bliss that pulled you through all the horrible days. Now movies have become too much like reality. You can't watch a movie without thinking, "I know someone whose life is just like that" and it's not a good thing. It's sad and depressing and makes you realize how awful the world is now days. It's even more awful because it's starting to be that the "horrible" real movies we see now are the children of today's "perfect bliss". I just wish there could be normal, happy movies to get me away from the world. But no, now the world has invaded that part of my life too. I'm surrounded by awful things yet I still see the good. It's amazing, but I think our generation was taught to do so. To see the good amongst all the bad because if you dont see the good, they all just blend together to form one giant mass of unemotional chaos.

The world is changing. We can't forget the past or the future will undoubtedly crash.

Today is the day

So dawns a new day, and the days never change. Every day spent jobless, pennyless, foodless and friendless. All I have is the hope in my heart and the few dollars in my pocket to keep me going. Life's just kinda down right now, things could get a lot better. And I think they will, hopefully in the next few weeks. I live with my best friend, Jodi. We make ends meet, and we have a lot of fun doing it. Our lives may be uneventful and awful to some but we love life and try to make the best of everything that comes our way. Since last fall things have been.... interesting. One catastrophe after another. Breaking my back was the worst of it but I have to say... that's pretty bad. But hopefully this blog will help me through life. Maybe getting emotions out will help cope with the pain or give me hope for the future.